July 19, 2021

The Underground Marketer Podcast

Episode 15 – How to Recondition Your Mind To Overcome What’s Holding You Back

The Underground Marketer Podcast
The Underground Marketer Podcast
Episode 15 - How to Recondition Your Mind To Overcome What’s Holding You Back
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Banish Your Fears And Start Living Your Best Life 

In today’s episode, I’ll talk about what conditioning is, how to remove it and why doing this is important. If you have fears or phobias that are holding you back, then this episode is for you. Many of us are familiar with the following situation. Even though you know what you have to do, you can’t do it because you’re afraid, anxious, insecure, and so on. 

I think that the number 1 reason why people fail in business or why they don’t achieve their goals is their mindset. In 80% of the cases of failure, the reason is psychological. Even if they have the skills and they know what they have to do, they still don’t do it. In this episode, I will help you understand how conditioning gets formed and how it affects you. I will also recommend some tools that I personally tried and tested that will help you heal and move on to a better future. 

3 Big Ideas

  1. In childhood, our parents and our environment form negative associations that are keeping us safe, such as stranger = danger. However, as an adult, these associations can actually hold you back from achieving your goals. You have been conditioned to such an extent that it’s very hard to break free without help. 
  2. It’s important to talk about such topics because, especially in business, people avoid seeming “weak” or vulnerable. However, the only way to change and improve your life is by being aware of and facing your fears and trauma. The only way to overcome these mental obstacles is by confronting them, not avoiding them. Also, sharing your experiences can help others defeat their fears as well. 
  3. The only way to overcome your conditioning is through memory reconsolidation. To put it simply, this process entails identifying the traumatic memory and healing your inner child by providing them with what they needed at that moment, be it company, safety, or reassurance. Below, I have detailed a 6-step process to conquer your fears and move ahead in life. 

Show Notes

[02:20] The reason why you don’t do what you have to do is that something in your mind is holding you back. 

  • You know you have to cold call to get clients, but you don’t do it. You know you have to connect with people on Linkedin, but you don’t do it. You know you have to send e-mails daily to your list, but you don’t do it. 
  • What’s holding you back is an association that you have. For example, you have associated pain with certain behaviors or activities. 
  • The reason why you make associations is largely due to how you were raised up. It’s the effect that your parents had on you. Associations don’t happen by chance. 

[03:37] Tudor explains how conditioning gets formed. 

  • Your parents condition these associations in your brain. For example, when you were a child, your parents probably told you not to speak with strangers. If a stranger offers you candy, refuse and leave. And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. 
  • This may have kept you away from danger as a child, but now, as an adult, it’s useless. There are guys out there who work out and are really strong and muscular, yet they are still afraid of cold-calling strangers who are half their size. 
  • The reason for this is that fear exists in the limbic part of the brain, which is the primal part of the brain. It’s irrational and all it knows are these associations – stranger = danger. 

[04:56] There are 2 forms of conditioning that your parents unknowingly used on you. 

  • First, there is operant conditioning. Every time you did something “good”, like your homework, they rewarded you. Every time you did something “bad”, like accepted candy from a stranger, they punished you. 
  • The second form is classical conditioning. You probably know about Pavlov’s dog, where the trigger is not a behavior, but an association. For example, if it’s 7 o’clock, you get hungry because that’s when you usually have dinner. 
  • So in operant conditioning, first you have the behavior and then the reward or punishment for it. In classical conditioning, there is a cue in the environment that makes you expect a certain reward or punishment. 
  • Through these 2 forms of conditioning, a lot has been conditioned into your limbic brain. Some things are useful, like avoiding strangers as a child. But as an adult, most are not useful at all. 
  • People who were conditioned to be competitive, daring, and courageous have a huge advantage in business because they don’t have these negative associations holding them back.

[08:02] How to remove the negative associations that are holding you back.

  • Let’s say that you have a fear of talking with strangers and that prevents you from asking girls out. You can’t even strike up a conversation with a woman at a bar because you’re afraid. There must be a solution for this, right?
  • In the early 2000s, neuroscientists discovered something known as memory reconsolidation. But first, you need to understand that when we remember something, we don’t actually recall a memory, but we recreate it. Scientists discovered that after a memory is recreated in our brains, for a short period of time after, it’s open to change – that’s memory reconsolidation. 
  • This is how it works. Imagine that your brain is like a computer. It stores information in files and folders. First, you have to retrieve the file. Then you need to get write permission to rewrite it. Finally, you can change it. 
  • Memory reconsolidation is the only way to get rid of the early negative associations that are holding you back. You need to retrieve the memory, activate it, and change it. The way you change it is by juxtaposing it. So if your parents told you that strangers are dangerous, you need to juxtapose that memory with another where a stranger did something good for you. If you don’t have such a memory, create one. Reinforce this idea that strangers are good and can help you become successful. 

[13:01] Tudor shares some useful tools that can help you free yourself from these negative associations. 

  • IFS therapy, also known as Internal Family Systems Therapy, is the best way to remove conditioning. If you can find IFS therapy nearby, it can definitely help you improve your quality of life. 
  • A great book on this subject, written by Jay Earley, is Self-Therapy: a Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy. This book gives you an entire system to implement in order to heal and grow. 
  • Tudor says that this book helped him remove his own past conditioning and move ahead in life. 

[13:52] Tudor explains the impacts of conditioning on one’s life and outlines the 6-step process to overcome it. 

  • For example, you have somebody who is afraid of making cold calls but still goes through with it. He pushes through the fear, makes cold call after cold call, and makes thousands of calls. Yet he’s still afraid when he picks up the phone. This means that repetition has not helped him move past the actual issue. 
  • The limbic brain, the lizard part of our brain, can’t be swayed with logic. It doesn’t understand that there’s nothing to be afraid of when making cold calls, even after 2000 calls. The only way to cure this is by rewriting that negative memory by following these 6 next steps. 

[14:43] Step no. 1: Identify The Protectors

  • Identify what is protecting you from dealing with the problem. For example, if you procrastinate when you need to cold call, that’s protecting you from what you may feel by doing it.  
  • In IFS, this is something known as a protector. A protector is a subpart of your personality that exists in your mind and it’s activated to protect you from experiencing something that is negative. It keeps you away from it by reactivating that childhood memory that you have. 
  • These memories are not something that you’d necessarily remember. They may have been imprinted on you when you were an infant, even. In fact, there are 2 types of memories. Explicit memories, when you remember that your mom scolded you for something. Implicit memories are a feeling that you remember. For example, you know you are afraid of the dark, but you can’t pinpoint exactly when you became afraid of the dark. Your mind might not remember it, but the body keeps the score. 

[16:47] Step no. 2: Identify The Real Issue

  • After you identify the protectors, you need to figure out the “danger” that they are keeping you away from. 
  • For instance, the anxiety and procrastination that you experience when you try to cold call are just symptoms that are trying to distance you from the actual problem. 

[17:45] Step no. 3: Access The Memory

  • The goal of the second step is to gain access to the memory that is holding you back.
  • You need to feel those feelings again and rewrite the memory. 
  • If your parents told you that strangers are dangerous, maybe it made you feel weak and vulnerable. 
  • These painful feelings are what the protectors are trying to keep you away from. But instead of running away, you need to face these memories and get in touch with your emotions. 

[19:12] Step no. 4: Rewrite The Memory

  • Once you’ve got through the protectors and accessed the memory, you’ll see the Child part of yourself inside the memory. 
  • For example, the memory is something like this: the Child is in a room, your mom comes in, scolds it for talking to a stranger and she chastises it for this mistake. 
  • The main problem here is the trauma caused by this event. The reason for the trauma is that, at that age, you felt alone. Your parents were the only people in your world and you had nobody to go to once you got scolded. You had no one that could understand you, listen to you, and so on. You probably didn’t even have the capacity to understand what was going on. 
  • Tudor likes to call the grounded, current version the Self. The Self needs to go into the memory and provide the Child with what it needed at that moment. For example, maybe it needed someone to step up to the parent and tell them that not all strangers are bad. If the scolding was really severe, the Self may even need to take the Child out of that environment to somewhere where it feels safe. The role of the Self is to help and heal the Child. 
  • In this step, you need to juxtapose the bad memory with a good one and rewrite the feelings associated with the event. The only way to do this is by providing the Child with what it needs. 

[22:40] Step No. 5: Remove The Burden

  • As strange as this whole process sounds, it actually works. 
  • Tudor was able to remove some conditioning from his own mind that he never thought he could remove.
  • It’s a very powerful tool if you can go through with the process. 
  • You need to help the Child part get rid of the baggage, be it negative beliefs, negative feelings, shame, fear, etc. It’s like a ritual that you need to perform in order to let go. 

[23:06] Step No. 6: Eliminate The Protectors

  • Let them know that the painful memory no longer exists and you don’t need their protection anymore. 
  • They can now take on another role in your psyche and help you in a different way. 
  • The easiest way to go through this process is with the help of a therapist. But, if for some reason you don’t have access to a therapist, the book Self-Therapy can give more insight into how to successfully go through this process. 

[24:01] Tudor talks about the importance of this episode.

  • He says that in business, people don’t often talk about these issues or about vulnerability in general. And that’s a sure way to never get ahead. If you keep something hidden or avoid it, you’ll never move past it. 
  • If you want to get over your fears, you have to face them, investigate them, find out what’s wrong and fix it. This is exactly what the IFS system does. 
  • IFS helps you identify the problem, the memory associated with it (where the problem comes from), and it teaches you how to rewrite that memory. 
  • This is very deep work. It’s not the same as doing affirmations or CBT, which are more surface level. They may work for some people, but if your issue is really deep, then IFS is the solution. 
  • Once you get past all of it, it’s like your life can finally take off. There’s nothing holding you back anymore. When you’ll think about cold-calling, you’ll no longer feel any fear or anxiety. You’ll no longer have to force yourself to do things, but you’ll actually enjoy doing them. 

[26:05] Summary of the episode.

  • The biggest problems in your life, which are holding you back right now, are psychological. 
  • The reasons for these problems are your parents and the environment you grew up in. 
  • What you have to do is repair those psychological wounds through memory reconsolidation. And there are 6 steps to doing just that. 
    1. Identify the protective systems that activate around the problem. These protectors prevent you from dealing with the problem and the negative emotions associated with it. 
    2. You have to negotiate with the protectors and gain access to the Child part of you. The Child has been burdened with negative beliefs about the world. 
    3. Access the Child part and figure out the memory that created it.  A good technique here is to just let your mind come up with images or feelings that it may have around the problem. 
    4. Once you identify the memory, you need to reassess it as the Self and offer the child whatever it needed at that moment. Maybe it needed not to be alone, or someone to stand up to the parents or to be taken to a safe place. 
    5. Let go of the negative beliefs, feelings, fear, shame, and so on. 
    6. Go back and tell the protective parts that they are no longer needed to protect the Child because that painful memory was eliminated. 
  • That’s how you change your early conditioning. It’s a really powerful process, but it works. 
  • Tudor recommends that everybody get the book Self-Therapy to understand the system and how to use it for themselves. 
  • The bottom line is that you don’t have to remain conditioned by negative emotions and beliefs that you had since you were a child. You can change and you can overcome these obstacles. 

Recommended Resources

Self-Therapy by Jay Earley

Full Transcript 

Read The Full Transcript

Introduction   00:00:03    Marketing, explosive growth, and revolutionary secrets that can catapult your business to new heights. You’re now listening to The Underground Marketer Podcast with your host Tudor Dumitrescu. The one podcast devoted to showing new businesses how to market themselves for high growth. 

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:00:34   Welcome to the underground marketer. This is the place where we deliver the real truth about marketing and explore big ideas that can help new businesses thrive and grow into big ones. I’m your host Tudor. And today we’re going to do a mindset topic, and we’re going to talk about how you can go about removing conditioning and why this is very important for you to know about. So if you have fears or you have phobias, or you have anything that’s really holding you back and you know what you have to do, but somehow you can’t do that. You know, you’re afraid to do it. Some people are afraid of heights. So they’re afraid to go to the top floor of a building. For example, some people are afraid to call on other people, especially if they’re strangers, or to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Some people are afraid of driving. You know, they can’t get in their car and start driving, they have fear associated with that. So whatever you have, that’s holding you back.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:01:30    All of this, it’s psychological. And I like to say this, and perhaps I don’t say it enough, but the number one reason why people fail in business and why they don’t achieve their goals in marketing, in business, in anything that has to do with high-performance – 80% of those reasons, at least are psychological. You know, a lot of people, they have the skills, they know what to do, but for some reason, they still don’t do it. They don’t execute. You know you have to cold call, for example, to get clients, but you don’t do it. You know you have to connect with people on LinkedIn, but you don’t do it. You know that you have to send emails daily to your list, but you don’t do it. You know that you should be selling in every email that you send out, but you still don’t do it.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:02:19    You know? And the reason why you don’t do these things is because something inside your mind is holding you back and what’s holding you back is an association that you have. So you’ve associated a lot of pain with certain behaviors, certain activities, and so on. And the reason why you have associated, for example, pain with cold calling a stranger or speaking with a stranger on the street or asking a girl out or whatever is largely because of how you’re raised up. You know? So it’s largely the effect that your parents had on you. You know, this is how these associations are created in the brain. Associations don’t happen by chance. You know, it’s not by chance that you have this problem and other people don’t, you know, it’s not by chance that you’re afraid of cold calling. And for some reason you can’t pick up the damn phone, you know, and you keep looking at it.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:03:22    You find reasons to procrastinate. You go to watching videos of cats on YouTube. There’s a reason for that. And let me explain before we go into how you can actually go about removing this conditioning, let me explain how it actually gets formed. You know, so I say that your parents condition these associations in your brain, they condition you. For example, many of you may remember when you’re small, you know, your parents may have told you, you know, don’t speak with strangers. Strangers are dangerous, you know, stay away from strangers. If a stranger tries to give you candy, you know, refuse it and don’t talk with him and just move away. And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. And that sort of thing may have kept you away from danger as a child. But now it’s useless. I mean, I know guys who they’re big beasts, you know, they work out and they’re huge beasts, but they’re afraid to cold call people.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:04:19    You know, they’re, they’re afraid to call a guy who is like one-fourth of their size, you know, that they could crush at any moment. They’re afraid to call on that guy. They just can’t pick up the phone. And the reason for this is that the fear is already there and it exists in the limbic part of the brain, which is the primal part of the brain. You know, it’s not rational. And all it knows is are these associations, you know, it doesn’t think. So it just has an association – stranger equals danger, for example, or driving equals danger or whatever it is that’s burned into your brain. And there are basically two forms of conditioning that your parents used unknowingly on you. So first we have operant conditioning, which means that every time you did something that they liked, let’s say that you did your homework, you’re obedient.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:05:12    You didn’t speak up to them. And so on, they rewarded you, right? Or the opposite. Every time you did something bad, let’s say that you came home and you accepted candy from a stranger, right? And they took the candy. They reprimanded you. They threw it away. They said you should never do this again. That’s also operant conditioning and it goes the other way around. So anything, when a behavior, after it happens is either rewarded or punished and therefore encouraged or discouraged that counts as operant conditioning. And there’s also another form of conditioning, which is the classical version, which, you know, with the Pavlov’s dogs, right, where there’s the trigger for it is not any one of your behaviors or something that you do. The trigger is some other, some something else that happens in your environment. For example, you have a pendulum and it rings seven o’clock and that’s when you have dinner and that got associated into your mind conditioned there.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:06:18    And so dinner is conditioned with seven o’clock and every time seven o’clock comes, you feel hungry. You know? So that’s an example. So this is sort of the reverse of operant conditioning. So first in operant conditioning, you have your behavior and then the reward or punishment, and here in classical conditioning, you first have a cue, you know, that happens in your environment and then you have an associated reward or punishment. So through these two forms of conditioning, you’ve had a lot of stuff conditioned into your limbic brain. Some of this stuff is useful, you know, as a kid, you can’t defend yourself, right? So, I mean, if you speak with strangers and you get into a dangerous situation, you can’t really get out of it. You know? So number one, you don’t have the communication skills that may be necessary. And number two, you don’t actually have the physical strength required, right?  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:07:14    So it may be smart for a child to avoid strangers or not talk to strangers or whatever, but this is not smart for an adult, you know? And the, the problem is that these things carry over and people who were conditioned to be high-performance and to be daring and courageous and so on by their parents, they have a huge advantage in business over everybody else. You know, they have a much easier time because their psychology and their head game is already there pretty much, you know, they may still have fears and whatnot, but they have the interview resources to overcome them. They don’t have these associations, which are so negative and basically block them from doing what they have to do, but you do, you know, so how do you go about actually removing this? You know, let’s say that you have a fear about talking with strangers, right? 

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:08:09    And that prevents you, for example, from asking girls out, let’s say, you know, you can strike up a conversation with a stranger, be it a woman or a man or whatever in a bar, because you know, you feel afraid. And so you move away from that. That’s what happens. So how can we change this? How can we hack into the system of your brain to identify where this conditioning came from and then change it. And the answer to this turns out to be discovered around the 2000s in neuroscience and the way this works is that your brain, it stores memories from the past. And it creates those beliefs. For example, strangers are dangerous based on a memory that it has stored from the past. You know, so a memory of your parents creating fear in you and telling you the trainers are dangerous automatically. It associates the strangers with the danger, and that’s the memory, right?  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:09:09    You have a memory of this event somewhere in your brain and the way your brain works is that your brain doesn’t actually store the memory in its exact form. You know, so for you to remember something, you don’t retrieve it. It’s not already there. It has to be recreated by your brain. You know? So whenever your synopsis fire and whatever else happens in your memory is recreated that moment. They discovered in the early 200s that there exists such a thing as memory reconsolidation basically when, um, the memory is activated for some time after, you know, 15 minutes to a few hours, that memory is open to change. You know? So basically you can go into your brain once that memory is activated. And if you know what you’re doing, you can rewrite it. You know? So imagine that you have a computer file, right?  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:10:08    So your memory is like a computer file. You want to retrieve the file. First of all, get write permissions for it. You know, because if you have read-only permissions, you can actually rewrite it, you know, get write permissions for it and then change it. And that’s what exactly what you need to do with these memories that you want to recondition. And this is actually the only way for you to get rid of the early conditioning that you have from your parents. And that’s holding you back. You have to go into your system, identify them, get write access to them so that you can write in them and you can replace them and then replace them. And the way this works is that you have to activate the memory. So that’s stage number one, retrieve the memory and activated so that you actually experienced the same feelings you experienced back then.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:11:03    And when you do this, you have to juxtapose these feelings with something that disconfirms them, right? So let’s say that you have a memory of your parents telling you that strangers are dangerous. You have to, even if it’s just in your imagination, you have to create a memory after you activate this one, that’s juxtaposed to it that shows the opposite. You know, it shows that you can get a lot of things from strangers. You know, that strangers can make you rich for example, or that strangers represent opportunities. And you have to create an image of this, and basically juxtapose it with your memory. Once you are actually feeling that, and then feel the contradictory effects side by side, until the positive one basically replaces the failed negative meaning that you initially had in your condition. And in this way, you can actually change these things.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:11:59    And it’s not very rational. You know? So nothing that I said to you, you don’t actually convince yourself that strangers are not dangerous on a rational level or whatever, because you can do that all day long and nothing is going to change. You know what I mean? You could try to create all the arguments in the world, you know, why you should make the cold call and why doing so isn’t dangerous, but your brain still thinks that it’s dangerous because reasons in rationality, they only work with the prefrontal cortex, which is like the front region of the brain. It’s the most evolved region of the brain is the one that handles language and rationality. But as we said, initially, this problem is rooted in your limbic brain, which is unaffected by whatever reasons you give, whatever the prefrontal cortex does, it simply doesn’t affect it.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:12:51    So you need something that’s actually more powerful, you know, that can hack into these files that you cannot access with reason. And, um, a great set of tools. You know, if you, if you want to read more about this is actually IFS therapy, so you can check it out. You can, um, if you want to work with somebody, you know, you can go to therapy. There’s also a great book, which is called Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. So it’s a great read, and it actually gives you the entire system of how you can do this systematically. So I will give you just a summary and really just, um, some tips that basically have worked for myself and have helped me remove some of my own past conditioning that I’ve had. And basically move ahead and I mean, don’t get me wrong. I mean, there are people who have this past conditioning and they move ahead despite it.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:13:47    But what tends to happen for example is that you have somebody who he feels fear when he’s making cold calls, let’s say, and he just goes through it. You know, he pushes through the fear. He makes cold call after cold call and so on, and he’s made 2000 of them. And he still fears when he pick-up the phone, especially, if he takes a break, you know, he takes a break, goes on vacation for two, three weeks, then comes back and has to cold call again. He starts feeling the fear, you know, and the procrastination and whatever was there initially. Um, because again, this, this lizard brain, you know, the limbic part of your brain, it doesn’t reason, it doesn’t understand these things. You know, you can repeat these things and if you don’t treat it, if you don’t cure it, if you don’t rewrite that memory, it’s, it’s not gonna work.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:14:35    So basically the core aspect of this, you know, if I had to divide it into steps. So step number one is that you have to identify what is protecting you from feeling whatever actually underlies your problem. You know, so if you procrastinate, when you need to cold call, that’s something that’s protecting you from feeling whatever you would feel if you’re actually making those core calls. So that’s what you do. First, you identify the protectors as they are known in IFS. And basically a protector is a sub part of your personality that exists in your mind. And it’s activated to actually protect you from experiencing something that’s negative, you know, from basically reactivating that childhood memory that you have, it wants you to, to keep you away from it. You know, many of these memories they’re deep into your unconscious and you don’t even remember them. You know, some of them are actually pre-conscious.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:15:38    So you can have something that’s holding you back, for example, from your infant stages, you know, from when you were a baby, you know, you were, and it doesn’t have to be a crystal clear memory. You know, so memories are actually of, um, two kinds. So we have explicit memories, which are like, I remember sitting in a room and my mom scolded me or whatever. That’s an explicit memory, but you also have implicit memories, right? So you just have, for example, an implicit memory is just a feeling that you remember, you know, a feeling, for example, of being alone in the dark, and you can’t pinpoint where you were, what age you were, any of this other information. So you can actually have implicit memories from when you were a baby. So your body still stores the memories, but obviously the prefrontal cortex and the rational part of the brain, it wasn’t really powerful at that age.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:16:34    So you can’t get into it with reason and you can’t remember the actual details. It was all very vague. That’s how you actually experienced that memory back then when you lived it. So, um, the first step is you have to access those protectors, you know, and, um, basically identify what they’re trying to do for you. You know, they’re obviously trying to keep you away from some danger. So what is the danger, you know, because the anxiety that you feel and the procrastination that you feel when you want to cold call, to go with the same example, it’s not actually the problem, that’s a symptom, you know, that’s a protective part of you that tries to take you away from the problem so that you don’t detect the problem. And you don’t feel the pain that the problem will cause or the pain that your brain, at any rate, thinks that the problem will cause.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:17:27    So that’s the first step. And you actually have to get to know these protective parts of your psyche. And again, the Self-Therapy IFS book is going to give you a lot more details into how you can do this. But the goal here is that by getting to know these parts, you can actually get access to the memory, right? And not only can you get access to the memory in terms of identifying it. So identifying the core memory that spawned all these problems that you’re having and all these protective behaviors and whatnot, but you actually get access and get permission from these protectors to write and rewrite that memory. But before you rewrite it, you have to access it, right? And accessing it means that you’re going to feel again the same emotions that you originally felt. You know? So for example, if your parents told you that strangers are dangerous and you should never speak with strangers, then maybe a part of you actually felt weak.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:18:33    You know, maybe a part of you felt very vulnerable. And the part of you felt that it couldn’t handle things that your parents didn’t trust you. And that part of you took on all this pain, you know, and that’s, what’s actually in that memory, that’s triggering these protective systems to come live and take you away from the situation. So you have to get in touch with this child part of yours, where all this pain exists and you have to, after you connect with it, you have to understand the pain and reconnect to the childhood memory that you have from the part. And then you have to actually rewrite the memory. So how do you rewrite the memory? So let’s say that you’ve got through the protectors, right? They gave you access to rewrite this memory and to access it. And you go there and you see a child version of yourself and you have some memories, you know, you’re, let’s say you have an explicit memory.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:19:30    Your mother pulls you in after an incident where you spoke with a stranger and she scolds you, maybe she even hits you. And she said that you should never do that. That you should be ashamed of behaving like that, that she tried to educate you better, but nothing gets in your head, you know, whatever it was. And that’s the memory. So you have to go in there in what IFS calls self. So self is sort of like a meditative centered state. So you’re not completely blended with the parts you don’t identify with that child. Part of yours, you are next basically. So you go into the memory with the child part, and then you have to provide the, the juxtaposed version, right? So the main problem here, and the reason for the trauma. So all of these things, you know, they’re not like major trauma, you were sexually abused or whatever, but they’re still traumas in your brain.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:20:25    So the reason for the trauma is because, at that age, you felt alone, right? So your parents were probably the only people in your world. And you had nobody to speak to, you know, once your mother told you all these things and scolded you and whatnot, you had no one that you could go to. You had no one that could understand you, that could listen to you. That could help you work through these things. And as a child at that age, you don’t have the capacity for language sufficiently developed to really understand what’s happening with you and what you can do to get out of the situation. You’re not basically like an adult. So you have to juxtapose while you’re living through that memory, you’ll have to juxtapose it with something else. And that something else is you. As the self, going back into the childhood memory and being next to the child and providing for the child part of you, whatever it needs at that moment, you know, so you, you can actually dialogue with these parts.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:21:27    You can learn how to dialogue with them and you can ask them, what do they need? Maybe they need you to step up to your parents and to tell them that, uh, look strangers, aren’t always dangerous. It’s just when you are a child that you should stay away, but not for all the time, or maybe your mother at that time, scalded you too hard for example, and you need to step up to the parent and tell them that they should never do this. And in some instances you actually have to take the child. If the scolding was really bad or whatnot, you have to take the child in your mind, in your imagination, out of that environment so that the child can feel safe in a different environment that they like, and they can have a relationship with you and all these things, they do two big things.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:22:12    Number one, they rewrite the memory. As we said, and number two, they, um, add an essential element in there, which is that the child is no longer alone. You know, initially the child part was alone dealing with all of this. It had nobody to speak to. Now it has the self part and as goofy as all of this sounds, it actually works. You know, like I’ve removed some conditioning from my own mind that I never thought that I could remove this way. And it’s very powerful if you go through with it and go through the process. You can even finish off with a ritual where the child part, you know, carries whatever baggage, negative baggage the experience left them with, you know, negative beliefs, negative feelings, fear, shame, whatever it was, and it burns them up or it throws them in the ocean or whatever. It gets rid of them.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:23:05    And after you do all this and you rewrite that memory, then you can go back and work with those protective parts. Let them know that that memory basically no longer exists and their protection is no longer necessary. And they can actually take a different role in your psyche and help you in a different way. So that’s briefly what I’ve done, you know, and what I found helpful, but that book and IFS therapy in general, you know, it’s very powerful. So, um, I suggest you get that book. I suggest you read that book and I suggest that you work. I mean, you know yourself best. So I suggest you decide after you read the book, whether you want to work by yourself with a partner or with a therapist. Obviously, the fastest will be if you worked with a therapist, somebody who is experienced and can help you solve these emotional issues.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:23:56    And that’s why today’s was, and is a very important episode because I mean, in business people don’t often talk about these things. People often hide their vulnerabilities. And I mean, that’s a way to never get past them. You know, when you keep something hidden and when you avoid something, you never get past it. So, um, to get past it, to get past your fears and so on, you actually have to face them. You have to investigate them. You have to go into them again. You have to find out what’s wrong and fix it because that’s exactly what the IFS system allows you to do. You basically identify the problem, whatever part of you is creating the problem, and the memory associated with the problem, basically where the problem comes from and you rewrite that memory. So that’s going back to the process we discussed of memory reconsolidation and this is very deep work, you know?  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:24:48    So it’s not like, for example, just doing affirmations or just doing CBT and so on. So these are like more surface-level treatments for the issues. You know, they may work for some people, but if your issue is very deep, then it’s not going to work. You know, you need to go deeper. You need to find the conditioning that was created in your limbic brain and change it. And this is exactly how you do it. And I mean, once you do this, it’s like, your life can take off. Finally, you don’t have that thing that’s holding you back. Whenever you think about, let’s say cold calling, because this is the example we gave you no longer feel any anxiety. You don’t feel any fear. You know, maybe you even feel fun and joy and you want to do cold calling. You know, you don’t have to force yourself to do cold calling or schedule it.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:25:35    You’re actually drawn to it. You find it exciting, whatever it is, so all those positive emotions. You can access those instead of accessing the negative emotions. But you have to change the condition. You have to start associating pleasure with cold calling rather than pain. And doing the parts work that IFS teaches you is a really powerful way to actually access this and be able to do it. So, um, remember there’s a summary to live with you for this episode. Remember what we discussed. So, um, the biggest problems that you have in your life and that are holding you back in business right now are psychological for the vast majority of people. And the reason for these problems are in most cases, your parents and how you were raised up. And if that’s the case, then what you have to do is that you have to repair that. You have to repair those psychological wounds that basically pulled you back and hold you back.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:26:39    And the way you do that is through memory reconsolidation. So there’s several steps. So I’m going to cover them up once again, so that I briefly summarize. So step one is you have to identify the protective systems inside yourself that come up around the problem. So, um, these are the protectors that we discussed about, they take you away from the problem. They stop you from asking the girl out. You avoid asking her out, whatever it is, these are the protective parts. You have to get to know them and you have to befriend them and get them to show you what they are protecting. And that’s your child’s part. So that’s step number two, basically, negotiate access with them to the child part. And that’s where your problem lies because the child part, it has been burdened through the memory that it went through with those negative beliefs about the world and whatnot.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:27:35    So you have to access it, you know, and you have to change basically that memory. You have to reconsolidate that memory. And so that’s step number two, you have to request access from the protectors to the child part so that you can actually work with it. You know, it’s like on your computer. If an antivirus is protecting a file, it’s only going to give you read access to it, right? You can’t write in it. You can’t work with it. You can’t rewrite it and you want to rewrite it. So you have to get write access to it. That’s step number two, step number three then is to access the child part, get to know it, and finish off by basically discovering the memory that gave birth to it. A good technique here is to just let your mind in those moments, come up with images or feelings that it may have around those issues.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:28:28    So that’s step number three. Once you’ve identified the memory, you have to reaccess the memory separate from the child part, in self, in the grounded state, right? You have to reaccess the memory and basically offer the child part, whatever it needed in that moment. You know, so it needed not to be alone. For example, it needed somebody to stand up to its parents because it couldn’t do it. It needed somebody to take it into a safer place, whatever it was, you have to provide that to your part and that’s going to be key. So that’s basically the fourth step. And maybe as I said, also retrieve the part. After you’ve done this. And after you’ve healed the part, you may also want to do a ritual where it lets go of the negative beliefs and whatnot, but really the next step. So, I mean, we could have this step number five, you know, just having the part, the child part, let go of all the negativity.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu     00:29:25    And then you have step number six, where you actually go back and you work with those protective parts and explain to them that it’s no longer necessary to protect the child part because that memory basically was replaced and whatever was harmful, there is no longer exist. So basically that’s how you go about changing your early conditioning. So it’s, it’s quite a, a strong process. It works. And I really recommend to everybody that they get the book, you know, uh, Self-Therapy by Jay Earley, read it, you understand the system and how it works, and then figure out, you know, what you need to do to actually use it for yourself. But the bottom line here is that you don’t have to sit conditioned by a negative part or a negative conditioning that you had since you were a child, you can change that. You know, whether you’re afraid of driving, you’re afraid of starting a business. You’re afraid of, uh, talking with investors, whatever it is, don’t let it hold you back. Do whatever it takes to heal that and to move past it. So that’s pretty much it. So stay tuned for the next episode.  

 

Tudor Dumitrescu   00:30:34    And until next time, keep growing your business and providing massive value to the world. Remember you are the reason why we’re all growing richer. Our freedoms are expanding and we’re all living in greater prosperity. Thank you. And until next time guys. 

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